I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
