Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
