i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize