i jhust puked up my retainher.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
