I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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