I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She announced her abortion via fbk
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
