Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
