If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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