3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
