woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
