My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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