My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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