I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
