Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
