She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Everclear isn't food dammit
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
