Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
