i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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