You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
