good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
There are leaves in my underwear?
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