Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
