I got chris browned last night
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
