the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
