I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
