I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just puked most of my soul out..
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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