Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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