John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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