i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
