he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
