theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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