The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
