I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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