Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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