wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
