I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
