The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
