Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
