You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize