fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
