So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
