My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize