Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
