That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize