Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
