Need sex. Gaining weight.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize