dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
