just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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