You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
