When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I think pants incapable of making pants work
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
