Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
