I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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