How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
