I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize