it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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