i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
