I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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