whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I need a beard to bite.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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