Christians are straight up FREAKS
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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