This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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