just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
