im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize