Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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