I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Are we still banned from the library?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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