well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
