these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i think i scared a bird with my dick
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
