I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
