I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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