my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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