I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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