did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
