How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Randomize
