So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
